the consequences of romance
by iEATfood
Summary: sequel to hearts. lazloedward. edwards gripes about the consequences of romance while lazlo tries to learn the subtleties of wooing.pls RandR
1. love 101

It was like a moon that had fallen on it's back, incandescent and bright.

It was a smile that lightened up the room when it was there and warmed your heart, and it was directed at Edward who didn't quite agree to having his heart warmed. it bothered him even more that said smile was _way_ too close for comfort.

"Back off!" he growled backing away himself. Lazlo, proprietor of said smile had been following him ALL DAY LONG! Currently, Lazlo was standing in line behind him for lunch in the mess hall staring at him and smiling that smile. It was infuriating! what made it worse was the fact that it was all his own fault.

_That kiss…_

It was punishment for letting himself go. Penance for enjoying himself. Yea he'd _kissed_ Lazlo, and now he had to face the fact that things like this don't just go away…

Their shoulders we're touching.

He jumped back grabbing his tray and putting it between him and the monkey like a shield "I said back off!"

"Edward?..." Lazlo started.

"No. Just stay away from me! Me and you have nothing to say to each other, capish?"

"But" Lazlo protested.

"Sit!" the platypus demanded, and so, Lazlo went and sat because Edward had told him to. He decided not to point out that he didn't get to get any food. Edward had told him to sit and so he sat. He sat across from Clam and next to Raj, cupped his chin in his hands and stared at nothing after awhile he sighed.

Now Lazlo was in love and you might be surprised to know, since Lazlo practically oozed love, that it was a feeling that was new to him. he sighed again and watched as the object of his affections made his way across the mess hall glaring at everybody in his path, unlike Lazlo, Edward had a lot of hate to give. And made sure to dole out a good serving to everyone, especially Lazlo. Most of all Lazlo, because.. Well because! And that was all there is to it.

Suddenly Lazlo was standing in front of him twiddling the hem of his shirt and unknowingly invading his personal space. "Hey Edward"

Edward blushed, and that was all there was to it.

"Me, Raj and Clam were going to go play 'sea monster' in the lake" Lazlo was saying. "wanna come?"

Edward raised an eyebrow. Spend all day with his head underwater making growling noises? Oh ho ho _that_ sounded fun. "no _thanks_" Edward said in a way that suggested that he wasn't thankful at all.

"It'll be fun!" Lazlo insisted a smile spread on his lips and turned into a mischievous grin. "you'll like it."

"I'll bet" Edward growled trying to flash every go away signal short of beating Lazlo senseless.

But Lazlo was never one to give up. "Just like you liked it when we played "d-" he didn't get finish. Someone's foot in your stomach tends to impede verbal communication, that someone was Edward, whose leg came up saw fast no-one saw it move. Lazlo made a squeaking noise

"Listen Laz" Edward growled softly into his ear "don't you dare even mention what happe-" he stopped feeling everyone's stares on his back. He looked around slowly. All the beans avoided his gaze while trying to look at him at the same time, a very hard thing to do. Ping-pong and Dave were looking at him from the corners of their eyes trying to listen intently. if they had ears they would have grown to the size of saucers with the effort of trying to hear what Edward was going to say.

"Hmmph! Come on Lazlo!" he grabbed Lazlo by the ear and dragged him out of the mess hall. "I gots to have a word with you.."

Behind the mess hall he pulled Lazlo in front of him and let go of his ear and gave him a withering glare. "Lazlo…" when Edward said Lazlo's name he always started with a sneer and ended it with a growl so it came out 'leeaaazlooooo33o…' the word was drawn out and coated with malice and barely restrained anger. It was amazing, in fact, what Edward could put into the word.

"I like the way you say my name!" said Lazlo trying his hand at some impromptu flirting.

Edward bit his lip and gave Lazlo a look like somebody on a strict diet being faced with a slice of cake.

He growled, "look..L- you!" he said avoiding saying Lazlo's name so he won't enjoy it. "That date never happened, ok? You won't mention it. you won't even think about it!"

"But Edward it did happen!"

"What did I just say?"

"You even kissed me"

"Lazlo!"

"Murp!" the sound was made by neither of them.

Both heads turned towards the intruder he must have been there the whole time and they didn't notice him. nobody ever noticed Sampson.

Sampson stared. A duck quacked in the distance.

Edward pointed at him and screamed.

Before Sampson could even think of running Edward had, in a panic, pushed him upside-down into a nearby trashcan.

"That wasn't very nice, Edward." said Lazlo.

"Whatever." mumbled Edward walking away "just remember what I told you"

And thus with all witnesses silenced and Lazlo nullified Edward retreated back to his cabin.

It wasn't right, thought Lazlo; you couldn't just ignore something that happened like that.

Why…?

Lazlo thought hard and then a solution came to him "yucca!" he exclaimed.

Obviously it all had to do with love. The way Edward was acting was probably normal and he just doesn't know enough about love to understand it. Now Lazlo didn't know anything about love, but he figured that at least one of the many wise, and pleasant, people who inhabited the mountain speckled region around Leaky Lake had to know enough about love to tell him how to deal with such a situation.

It was calculated that the average prickly pines resident has an IQ only barely higher than that of a sea urchin. The bean scouts of camp kidney were even less gifted in the brains department, even the sea urchin had one over on them, and therefore via some twisted logic it was generally assumed that any prickly pines resident who had anything to do with bean scouts was dumber than dirt.

Scoutmaster Lumpus was that resident. Currently he was sitting on his Comfy Boy ™ watching TV while nursing a cup of hot coca that he had pestered Slink man for all afternoon.

Scoutmaster Lumpus did not get where he was today by being smart. No, he got there by being stupid and in some cases quite unfortunate. He glowered at the TV screen and he glowered even more when Lazlo stepped in front of it. Lazlo had his hands clasped in front of him. He gave Lumpus a woeful pleading look "oh scoutmaster Lumpus…"

"Move it will ya! your getting in the way of my soap!" the scoutmaster grabbed the little monkey by the neckerchief and tossed him backwards with a flick of his wrist.

There was a crash off-screen.

Lazlo magically appeared from under the couch cushion much to Lumpus' dismay "but scoutmaster Lumpus this is really important!"

Lumpus narrowed his eyes "ooh?"

"I NEED to know about love"

" Your in love are you?" asked Lumpus looking disgusted.

Lazlo hung his head "'esh" he mumbled feeling embarrassed for some reason.

Seeing the look of dejected innocence on the poor boy's face scoutmaster Lumpus's cold hard heart softened up a bit. He sighed.

"Lazlo, do you know why I'm here?"

Lazlo thought hard. "god?"

"NO! I mean here! Sitting in front of the TV drowning my sorrows in …coca"

"ummm..?"

Lumpus's eyes misted over "Jane Doe.." he said in hoarse whisper as if envisioning a goddess.

"Oh." Lazlo has heard the scoutmaster rattle about Jane Doe enough times to know when to tune him out.

"I saw her just this morning, Lazlo." continued the scoutmaster "she was as beautiful as ever…"

The screen rippled and a flashback started.

Scout mistress Jane Doe was watering her plants, joyfully humming to herself, when scoutmaster Lumpus crab-walked toward her holding a wilting posy in his shaking fist.

"Halloo, Miss Doe"

She turned with a start "oohoohoo! Scoutmaster LUMPus! I didn't see yoo there!"

Considering that Jane Doe went through the world just a little bit cross-eyed it was surprising that she saw him at all.

"Well Miss Doe" he preened "I was walking by and I saw this flower…"

"What a pretty flower, Algonquin! Do you collect?" she interrupted seemingly ignoring him.

Not easily sidetracked from his mission of love scoutmaster Lumpus attempted to piece together his pick up line "I saw this flower and thought of…"

"_I _used to collect flowers!"

"And thought of you."

It must have occurred to Jane that one of them wasn't quite holding up his end of the conversation so she started to speak louder "I HAVEN'T COLLECTED FLOWERS IN AGES!"

"…I love you"

"WHAT'S WAS THAT? I SHOULD START COLLECTING AGAIN?"

"Sob"

"THAT IS A GREAT IDEA!! I'D BETTER START"

She snatched a clump of flowers then ran of. Scoutmaster Lumpus broke down crying.

The scene faded back to Lumpus's living room where the scoutmaster was curled up crying into his coca cup. Lazlo patted his back in an attempt to comfort him.

"Women are cruel, cruel, creatures, Lazlo." Lumpus informed Lazlo "they'll rip out your heart as soon as look at you!"

Women? Thought Lazlo. Who said anything about women?

"Now leave me alone!" continued Lumpus tiring of Lazlo's presence now that story time is over.

"But I still don't know what to do, sir" protested Lazlo.

It occurred to Lumpus that Lazlo wasn't going to leave without an answer.

Lumpus sighed and thought "try cologne a woman can't resist cologne!"

Lazlo grinned "okay sir!" and ran of like a happy little monkey.

Lumpus eased himself back into his couch. Now Lazlo can go bother whoever he had a crush on. The scoutmaster barely suppressed a chuckle. The poor girl must be devastated.

TBC…


	2. lazlo the emotionaly insecure

Ugh.

Edward was lying on his bed thinking about his life, he always felt queasy when he thought about his life. He decided to concentrate on his _newest_ problem, Lazlo.

He loves me, thought Edward, and let a soft blush spread across his face.

No, the guy's an idiot he wouldn't know love if it bit him on the tail.

The thing was Edward didn't want Lazlo to love him back that sort of thing would complicate matters entirely. It would also be very hard to hide from the other campers.

He had been happy when he'd first kissed Lazlo and the monkey had had that frightened expression on his face because, well, something about Lazlo being frightened gave him a sense of elation. It felt good to scare Lazlo, but Lazlo, in that unnerving way of his, bounced back with gusto.

The fool _thought _he was in love now.

He stressed the word _though_t it kept a nice buffer between him and what was happening.

"No. I think he's dead" said chip, who was sitting on the bunk bed with his brother eyeing Edward cautiously.

Edward turned to yell at them when a strong odor penetrated his nostrils he gagged and there weren't many smells that would make Edward gag he lived with the two stickiest cabin mates in all of kidney and has lost most of his sense of smell. But _this…_!

It smelled like burning tires.

And there was Lazlo sporting a great big smile. The smell came off him like steam.

"Lazlo?" he coughed. "What is that stank?!"

Lazlo smirked. "Scoutmaster Lumpus's cologne!" he announced like it was a good thing.

"Get out!" Edward hissed trying not to breath.

"You don't like it?"

Edward pushed him out the door.

&

"Where's Lazlo?" Raj asked. He wasn't asking anyone in particular he just venting his frustration at the fact that he didn't know where Lazlo was "Edward took him outside and then he didn't come back! What do you think happened to him?" he asked clam.

Clam ran a finger across his throat and went "kkcchhht"

"No! Edward didn't kill him!" Raj protested worry tingeing his voice "did he?"

"Check dumpster" suggested Clam.

They ran to the back of the mess hall to find…

A pair of legs sticking out of a trashcan.

Raj screamed then fainted.

Clam tapped the side of the trashcan "Sampson!" he told Raj.

"Oh Sampson!" said Raj recovering quickly, a bit to quickly "that's ok then!"

"Hallo?" Sampson sounded tinny from inside the garbage can.

Raj screamed again and started running in little circles. "Zombie hamster!!!!"

Sampson chuckled "I'm not a zombie…or a hamster really I'm a ge-"

"Do you know where Lazlo is?" Raj interrupted slowing down.

"- Then Edward pushed me in here you wouldn't believe what he and Lazlo were talking about."

"So you don't know?"

"It's scandalooouus!" Samson tempted hoping that knowing something everyone else didn't know would make people finally start talking to him.

"Maybe he went back to jelly cabin" Raj told clam.

"Are you leaving? Wait! Pull me out!" Sampson's legs pumped uselessly in air and he realized that he wasn't talking to anybody anymore. "Oh nerts!

&

Lazlo, disappointed at his failure earlier, trudged aimlessly through camp. Random campers' eyes watered at the smell. Tired of the stench ping-pong and Dave waited in the bushes for him to pass, captured him and threw him into the lake.

Lazlo sighed it was definitely time to seek someone else's advice

&

Slinkman was standing by the window staring dutifully out at the kids. Slinkman always did everything dutifully. Duty was an important to him, of course there were other things that were important to him too. He looked around at the scoutmaster's chair. The scoutmaster wasn't in it…

Slinkman smiled timidly. He looked left and right after making sure that no one was in the room. He sat in Lumpus's chair his legs didn't reach the floor. It was small and dinky but it was the _scoutmaster's_ dinky chair and smelled strongly of leather and moose and to someone as small as Slinkman it was pretty big. He wiggled about in it and smiled wide. After a while he put on a very good scoutmaster Lumpus impression.

"Do this Slinkman do that blah blah blah"

Someone grabbed him around the waist. He gave a little scream. "I'm sorry!!"

"It's me sir you've got to help me!" said Lazlo who was hugging the little slug around the waist with his head resting on his back.

"Lazlo? What are you doing? Let go."

"But I'm emotionally insecure!" sobbed Lazlo. "You haveta' be there for me"

"But it feels so wrong" protested Slinkman.

Deciding that helping Lazlo with his problem might be the only way to unlatch Lazlo from his back, he asked, "What's the problem?"

"I have love problems!" sniffed Lazlo.

"Uuuuuuuuhhhh" Slinkman quavered, "I'm not exactly the most qualified…"

"I just need you opinion, Slinkman," said Lazlo reassuringly.

"Oh ok."

"What would you do if you were in love with someone?"

Slinkman's expression phased out to that of someone trying to ignore something big and dangerous "follow them around and do everything they say." He said in monotone twiddling his fingers.

Lazlo's face broke into a smile and there was that angel's choir sound you get when world order is restored, a few bird tweets too because there's always some. "That just might work!" he said. "He _loves_ telling people what to do!"

And with that he jumped out of the window with a quick and fluid flip.

Slinkman leaned back in his, _Lumpus's,_ chair he cleared his throat and went back to mimicking Lumpus.

"Sliinkman, brush my teeth!"

But his heart wasn't in it as something his ears had heard was trying to get the attention of his brain. Then it hit him with a snap like a rubber band.

"WaitAMinute!" he jumped out of the chair and leaned out the window. "Who's _he__!" _

&

When Edward slammed the door behind Lazlo the first thing he thought was 'he'll be back.' The second thought, which crept up on him as he was starting to dig into a good book, was 'where is he?'

Maybe he gave up? It would be better if he did, Edward reassured himself.

The third thought, which caught Edward unawares, was I'd better stay here in case he comes back.

Edward's eyes narrowed. No. Oh no. That last thought defied the purpose of whole ordeal he was putting Lazlo through. Not only that, it was a needy thought filled with worthless things like hope and longing.

Edward slammed the book shut and tossed it aside. Waiting is for losers. Lazlo should be the one waiting on him. He left pinto cabin to hang near the dock.

Hanging was one off those things Edward was really good at. It wasn't like standing around that was what background characters did. Hanging involved looking cool and oozing 'tude from your pores. Edward enjoyed it; it was like lying without having to say anything.

He didn't stand up straight, you couldn't stand up straight and 'hang' at the same time, and he slouched. Let Lazlo find him.

Surprisingly, it wasn't long till the monkey did find him. The guy must be part dowsing rod, Thought Edward smugly

The bangles Lazlo was wearing were the first thing he noticed. They jangled distractingly but not so distracting that they took away attention from the fact that Lazlo wasn't wearing a shirt, he was also wearing a towel around his waist. He was still wearing his pants under the towel though.

Lazlo bowed "oh Edward, I'm here to follow your every command, master!" he said trying to sound like a genie.

Edward blinked. He opened his mouth, no sound came out, he shut it again. Then said:

"Oh god."

TBC


	3. faith in your happy place

Ch: faith in your happy place

He lounged in a bunch of ornate pillows sipping cold lemonade, shaken not stirred.

"More lemonade?" asked Lazlo hefting a large jug dripping with condensation.

Aah. That's just how it should be. Edward sighed slipping slowly out of his reverie.

Lazlo was staring at him rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. "Wow" he said referring to the look on Edward's face "that was something special!"

"Oh shut up"

And there was a moment of uncomfortable silence as Lazlo did shut up. He didn't just stop making noise but seemed to suck up all the noise around him even the background music stopped. the only sound was the sound of the wind hissing through the trees.

Edward raised an eyebrow "so, your serious about this every command thing?"

Lazlo nodded.

"Okaay" Edward grinned. How many scouts are out today? I wonder, he thought looking around. there seemed to be a fair amount on and around the docks where a cool breeze blew from the lake and brought some relief from the summer heat. Edward's grin seemed to widen.

"Okay" he said again "take a step back"

"Um"

"Don't question me just do it" Edward snapped.

Lazlo took a step back.

"Another and another isn't this fun?"

Lazlo, who was easily amused, grinned and nodded "yea this IS fu-"

There was a splash as Lazlo walked backward of the dock. Edward pointed and laughed, seeing this, the other scouts joined in.

"What a loser!" Edward sneered.

Lazlo attempted to shake some of the water out of his dripping hair he looked up at Edward and remembered Scoutmaster Lumpus talking about how cruel women are and wondered if this applied to Edward only more so because he isn't a woman. He joined in with the laughter albeit weakly "ah…ha…ha…um"

"Oh there you are Lazlo!" said Raj dragging Clam behind him walking into the scene too late to comprehend what had just happened. "What are you doing in the water? There is no swimming on the activities list today"

Edward laughed at this.

"Did you _push_ him in?" asked Raj turning his attention to Edward, adding to the question a tone usually reserved for bigger crimes like 'did you _kill_ all these people?'

"No, I just helped him in," said Edward with barely restrained glee.

He graced Lazlo with another look. the smirk melted off his lips as he seemed to struggle with some internal foreign concept "whatever" he said more to himself than anyone else and swaggered off his hands jammed deep into his pockets.

Raj glared at him as he walked away. Clam pulled Lazlo out of the water hoisting him up out the water surprisingly easily for someone so small.

"You…okay?" he grunted.

Lazlo squeezed some water out of his sarong "I'm fine, clam"

"You see!" said Raj "didn't I tell you not to get associated with that person!" Lazlo seemed very focused on getting bits of lake algae off his tail all of a sudden.

"Didn't I?" Raj repeated.

Lazlo gave his tail an extra squeeze "you never did." He said little tones of defiance sneaking into his voice.

"I didn't?"

Lazlo shook his head.

"Well I was thinking it!" said Raj. "_He _is a very mean person Lazlo."

"No he isn't" said Lazlo sullenly.

Raj continued not really listening to the monkey "he is even worse than scoutmaster Lumpus sometimes"

Lazlo hesitated "he's nothing like lumpy!"

"He's meanest to you" Raj continued.

This was news to Lazlo who while he had noticed that Edward was in a very disagreeable mood most of the time had never noticed that it centered on him. Since Lazlo was not very well informed in matters of the heart he found this worrying. Suddenly the world wasn't making any sense anymore. Did Edward like him or not?

&

Edward threw himself on his bed and started crying, he didn't know why he just did. It sometimes happened a part of him seemed to need it and made him do it without asking permission from his brain. He cried until the tears stopped coming then he took a deep ragged breath. it felt good or at least better afterwards.

He rolled over and stared at the cabin ceiling. His thoughts drifted to Lazlo, darn it, he didn't regret tricking Lazlo it was funny and Lazlo had been asking for it. something about Lazlo's trusting innocence always begged to be crushed, Edward reasoned, it was that hurt look Lazlo had looking up at him from the lake water. It made Edward feel like he had kicked a small defenseless puppy, Horrid, and filled with self-loathing.

And now Edward was confused. He didn't mean to be mean to Lazlo, well he did but couldn't help himself it was an instinct should anyone steal away his attention or question his authority he would simply destroy them. It was a sort of "game" he played with his brothers, they tended to win. Competitiveness just grew into a habit like the dissing.

But you weren't supposed to feel guilty. _They_ never felt guilty. He could stop, he could start being nice he could even, heaven forbid, apologize to Lazlo. Edward's thoughts turned sarcastic, heck, he could declare to the world he was gay and start sporting his collector's edition veronica ware™ tea party dress.

It was absurd he couldn't stop being who he was! Or start being the himself he's hiding because hiding himself was part of who he was.

Lazlo…god! There was pickle wrapped in an enigma if there ever was one he just couldn't figure the guy out he guessed that was part of the attraction. Just thinking about Lazlo filled him with kind of warmth the thought of apologizing started to seem more and more plausible.

No! Argh! He couldn't it'd be like a death march all the way to jelly bean cabin. No he'll never apologize never ever!

&

Lazlo left his friends in the cabin and made his way across camp. He was a positive person and figured that there were only two more adults in camp to seek wisdom from, and what did he have to lose.

He reached a large teepee decorated in garish bright colors. It was big but not very sturdy. It had fell more than once because of angry scouts, relatively strong breezes, and Lumpus trying his hand at golf. It was called the temper teepee it was where scouts went when they where struggling with their more abrasive feelings. Edward had seen the inside of if more than once; it didn't seem to help him much. It was where chef Mc muesli doubled as a camp counselor to pay of the loan on his equally garish mini-van.

Lazlo pulled aside the tent flap, beads, and dream-catchers jingled as he peered in. mc muesli was sitting cross-legged with his eyes closed. He had left his hat of. His hair, without his hat to tuck it into, tumbled down to his shoulders. Luckily for Lazlo, nurse Lesley was there as well. He was lying on his back surrounded by chunks of crystal and seemed to be trying really hard to get up, his little legs wind milling uselessly in the air. He gave up and finally said, "this is not a valid form of medicine" in that monotone voice of his.

Mc muesli shushed him patiently "just let the crystals heal you"

"Um" Lazlo shook the tent flap timidly trying to get the clattering of beads to drag their attention to him.

Chef mc muesli looked up "ahhhh how may I help you young scout?"

"Um I sorta have a problem…"

The chef nodded knowingly "my door is always open" he said

"It's a tent flap," replied Lazlo.

From near the ground, nurse Lesley muttered "it's not like they're even real crystals…"

Lazlo took a seat on a beanbag "it's about Edward…"

"Aah" mc muesli nodded his head again. he found that this impressed most scouts.

"He doesn't like me" Lazlo stated, shuffling uncomfortably on the beanbag chair.

"I see…"

Lazlo grinned, "Do you really?"

"No he doesn't" replied nurse Lesley.

"I do too!" whined the cook. "Your confused as to why Edward doesn't like you, right?"

"How can anyone not like me?" said Lazlo flustered, it just didn't make sense…

Mc muesli smiled condescendingly "oh he's probably just jealous"

"I'm always nice to him," complained Lazlo, who didn't quite know what jealousy meant.

The nurse and the currently acting counselor shared a look Lazlo really believed in the power of being nice there was no easy way of telling him that it didn't change a thing.

"…And he said he..liked me," whispered Lazlo, mostly to himself, hugging his knees to his stomach.

Mc muesli clapped his hands together "ok then, I don't see what the problem is"

"But he acts like he hates me!" Lazlo tried to clarify "he keeps telling me to stay away from him it doesn't make sense!"

"Reminds me of my ex," muttered nurse Lesley from near the ground. Mc muesli kicked him. "Oh you know it's nothing like that"

The chef put a kind hand on Lazlo's shoulder "listen camper, it'll turn out good in the end. Have faith in your happy place. here have a healing crystal" he handed Lazlo one of the crystals surrounding nurse Lesley.

"Ok" muttered Lazlo clutching the crystal tightly and getting up to leave.

"He stole those from scoutmaster Lumpus's chandelier…" Lesley told him as he left "try ignoring him"

Lazlo turned "what?"

"Try ignoring him, it usually works," repeated the big pink shark.

"Ok" said Lazlo uncertainly and left.

Raj was lying in wait for him in front of the tent and promptly attacked "where have you been?!"

"Um in there..?" Lazlo pointed at the tent even though it was obvious he was just in there.

Raj grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him "don't ditch us like that! What if that Edward tries to drown you again?" somehow Edwards prank had escalated to attempted murder in Raj's head. It was a little more mental exaggeration than Raj usually did, but that was probably because the way Lazlo was acting worried him.

Lazlo smiled "I'm ok Raj. Lets go play"

"Finally" Raj sighed with relief and grinned. "Lets go play!"

"Play!" echoed Clam ecstatically.

And they ran toward the lake already planning on piloting a canoe, and Clam, no, Raj could be the stewardess.

On his way there Lazlo felt a glare on his shoulder. He turned and saw Edward glaring at him from between chip and skip, the dung beetles. Lazlo smiled to himself and turned away.

Edward's shock went zing! oh no he d'ent! What the hell? Thought Edward, Lazlo was ignoring him on purpose! It didn't make sense! It wasn't how Lazlo was supposed to act. Despite all things he thought earlier he had actually enjoyed Lazlo's advances and found the prospect of not getting them anymore frightening. He folded his arms in front of him and fumed.

"I am not going to be the stewardess, Lazlo!" Raj was saying. "I should be the co pilot- um.. Lazlo, there is smoke coming out of Edward"

"Lets just leave him alone for now" said Lazlo "clam has to be co pilot he's the only one who knows how to fly a jet plane."

"Just because he SAYS.." Raj started he was interrupted by a noise, an angry guttural noise coming from Edward's direction. Edward gasped angrily, his mouth opened and closed like a fish. He didn't know what to say 'leave him alone for now?' Lazlo just couldn't put him aside like that! Didn't Lazlo _want_ Edward to like him back and suddenly Edwards's imaginary romance seemed like a big fat lie. He was so angry he couldn't even think of a good, not gay (and not really selfish) reason to hit Lazlo. he just picked up a handful of dirt and beamed Lazlo right on the head.

Now there was only so much abuse a normal person could take before they cracked. Lazlo wasn't very normal so he tried to hold on a little longer. "Edward?" he asked smile frozen on his face.

"How dare you ignore ME!" Edward yelled and threw another handful of dirt, this time it hit Lazlo's shirt, Lazlo didn't flinch. He could hear Raj screaming something nonsensical in his ear and he was half aware of clam gathering clods of dirt in preparation, but all his concentration was on Edward.

"I thought you wanted me to leave you alone Edward"

Edward stopped cold. He had said that didn't he? Damn you, Lazlo! How dare you be right, he thought angrily. "I didn't – I never told you to listen to me damn it!"

"Gasp! An expletive!" gasped ping-pong from the sidelines.

Edward threw another handful of dirt in Lazlo's direction. This time, Lazlo dodged gracefully. It flew by him and hit Sampson in the eye, who murped. Lazlo let his confusion and wavering patience turn into anger and grabbed his own handful of dirt and threw it at Edward.

Sampson also threw a dirt clod, but since he had been hit in one eye, he couldn't judge distance that well and hit Dave, who fell to the ground screaming. Ping pong threw one in retaliation but it hit Raj and Clam was throwing his pile on dirt clods every which way in his own war with world and soon all the campers joined in and the air was think with dirt.

"What on earth?" exclaimed Slinkman stepping out of the scoutmaster's cabin to see what the commotion was about.

He waved his arms in the air motioning for the scouts to stop "stop that right this instance!"

But the scouts ignored him and soon he was a small mountain with eyestalks sticking out.

"QUIT MAKING THAT RACKET! I'M WATCHING MY SOAP!!" screamed scoutmaster Lumpus from the cabin's window and all the scouts instantly stopped what they were doing.

"Thank you, sir" muttered Slinkman unheard from under all the dirt. he shook the mud of him and glared at the dirt incrusted campers "look at all your uniforms! Who started this?"

All the campers simultaneously pointed at Lazlo and Edward whose fight had escalated into an all out scuffle. Lazlo, too set in his peaceful ways to actually hit Edward, was half heartedly trying to snuff out Edward with his body, while trying to stop him from biting and scratching.

Slinkman pulled Lazlo off Edward "you know this means laundry duty for both of you!" said Slinkman angrily.

The two warriors glared at each other. Lazlo's glare melted like butter under Edward's. He was panting, the whole effort being angry seemed to have left him exhausted. He wondered how Edward managed it twenty four seven. He noticed that Edwards's expression had also changed. He didn't look angry anymore, just sort of pained. Unable to look each other in the eye they both looked down at their feet.

TBC

_(Author's note: I decided to add chapter names whatcha think? Apparently I write Edward insane, he got mad over nothing, and Lazlo out of character he actually got mad! It's really hard writing an angry Lazlo and keeping him in-character… hippie rage! XD pls Rand R)_


	4. Lazlo's mission

Slinkman was disappointed in them. He told them so, and it was very convincing coming from him, mostly, because he was the same height as them and could look them directly in the eye, pupils trembling with emotion, as he said it.

It wasn't like they weren't feeling bad enough in the first place, thought Edward resentfully as Slinkman left them in the laundry room with only a big pile of muddy uniforms to keep them company, oh, and each other of course…

The silence between them grew hot and heavy until Lazlo finally broke it. "lets get started shall we?" he said with a small forced smirk.

"Lets," sighed Edward under his breath.

Camp Kidney could only afford one laundry machine. It was old with rust climbing up its sides and when turned on it made a noise like something possessed and, unfortunately, Camp Kidney had lots of campers, whose increasing population was only kept in check by giant flying man-eating insects, but that's another story, and they would have to wash all the uniforms in shifts. It would, Edward calculated, take them all day and there wasn't that much day left.

They worked quietly taking great pains to avoid each other. Lazlo even went as far as to accidentally sidestep into the laundry pile while trying avoid brushing shoulders with little platypus. It wore on Edward's nerves but he decided not to complain as Lazlo sidled around him with the air of someone trying not to touch something fragile. it gave Edward the impression that he was made of really thin glass.

They put the clothes through the laundry machine cycles and hung them outside to dry, it was a hot day, and they dried pretty quickly. Finally the last batch was whirring away in the groaning laundry machine. since the sun was already gone down there was no hope of bringing in the rest of the washing and they had nothing to do.

Lazlo was sitting on the washing machine staring at nothing as it jolted and vibrated under him.

Eventually Edward sighed and climbed up next to him. He sighed again, looked away and then looked back at Lazlo's face, who didn't seem to have noticed him or was ignoring him he continued to stare at the opposite wall.

And..And there was no smile! Edward had grown so used to it growing on Lazlo's face like a fungus that the world seemed dark without it

I did that; he thought he had taken away Lazlo's smile by being a complete and utter bitch.

He looked down at his knees "I'm…" he started then hesitated and trying to force the word out eyes bulging with the effort "sorry"

Lazlo snapped out of his reverie "huh?"

Damn you, Lazlo. Why do you have to make me say it again! He fumed silently "I'm sorry Lazlo, okay? I'm really sorry."

Lazlo stared at him his mouth opened to say something but closed wordlessly.

"You didn't deserve that,…" muttered Edward looking away again.

"Really?" asked Lazlo sounding relieved "I thought I did something to make you mad!"

"No" said Edward "I just can't seem to let myself …be happy…" he leaned back.

Lazlo's hand slowly slipped toward Edwards then engulfed it. Edward blushed under them the laundry machine continued to invoke Satan in it's own ancient language ignoring mortal beings astride it.

Lazlo wrapped his arms around the little boy next to him and rested his chin on Edward's shoulder. "I'll make you happy." he whispered.

Edward's face turned a color that will forever be described as a cutesy red "Lazlo! that sounded like a come on!" he gasped.

"I mean it," giggled Lazlo who was, while being older than Edward, much less mature and didn't quite comprehend what Edward was thinking. "I'll make it my mission to make you happy!" he saluted at Edward who seemed wild eyed and docile like a deer in the headlights.

Lazlo jumped off the washing machine and turned it off stopping it in mid chant "that's enough for today we're pooped!" he carried Edward down of the washing machine and plopped him down in a laundry basket, the one with clean clothes, and climbed in next to him. Edward just stared dumbfounded at Lazlo's mouth. His smile seemed to hypnotize the little platypus "really?" he said finally.

Lazlo grinned at him and pulled Edward's head close to his chest and hugged him.

"Why?" asked Edward.

"Because we're in LOVE!" Lazlo squealed his eyes turning into hearts.

Edward recoiled.

"It's a good thing Edward" Lazlo assured him

"Just don't say it like that, someone might hear you" muttered Edward blushing.

"No one can hear us here" Lazlo whispered.

Edward looked around "yes they can. were in a laundry basket in a shack with paper thin walls"

Lazlo giggled and mussed up Edward's hair "no. Were two fairies in a nutshell floating in a stream" he paused thinking it over "..Made of cola!"

This was news to Edward who had been pretty sure they were in a laundry basket up until now.

Edward blushed and cuddled into Lazlo's chest "we're fairies alright" he sighed and let the sound of cola splashing on the side of their little nut raft lull him to sleep…

Falling asleep in your lover's arms _should_ inspire beautiful meaningful dreams and yet all Edward dreamed about was an otherworldly purple landscape filled with tap-dancing melons. He was walking around in a red dress and a melon that sounded suspiciously like Sampson kept asking him where the bathroom was.

He woke up rubbing his eyes. had he spent all night in the laundry basket? He looked down at Lazlo, the light of early morning shined down on his face. Yes, it seemed so.

Two vertical lines of shadow on Lazlo's face gave Edward the impression of prison bars. He looked around following the light beams to find the source of the odd shadows, his eyes rested on Dave and ping-pong's long necks.

"Urm" he blinked and noticed that all the campers were gathered near the door peering in at them.

"I-it's not what it looks like!" said Edward trying to shrink into the laundry basket.

"You and Lazlo cuddling in basket of _our_ laundry?" wagered ping-pong

"My shirt better not be in there!" snapped Raj.

At the sound of Raj's voice Lazlo woke up "hi Raj" he smiled, rubbing his eyes.

"We fell in! It was a setup!" claimed Edward.

"Whatever!" said an unnamed bear scout grabbing the hem of a shirt sticking out from under Edward "move it will ya we need to get our uniforms!"

Edward looked around confused "you guys ain't …surprised?"

"Of course not" said Ping-pong with a flick of his wrist "you and Lazlo are so yesterday's issue of the weekly bean"

"Everybody knows!" drawled Dave rolling his eyes.

Sampson peeked out from behind the loons wearing a reporters hat "hey guess what? I'm junior reporter now! Eheheheh"

Edward blinked a few times "whuh?" frankly their reaction was a bit of a disappointment, anything that involved him should be big news.

Lazlo hugged his waist giggling "guess what? Were in love!" he squealed, wanting to share the great news with world.

"Hey guess what? Your all idiots!" mocked Edward climbing out of the basket "I'm ditching this joint! if you need me I'll be in my cabin" he snapped his fingers and chip and skip followed him out.

Lazlo cupped his hands around his mouth "I'll see ya later, Edward!" he yelled

Edward turned, a smile flickered on his lips it was so fleeting you could have blinked and missed it, but it was one of the first real smiles Lazlo had seen on his face. "Yea you will" he turned and walked away chip and skip following close behind.

Lazlo grinned.

And that's was end of this story, at least that's where it stopped being about Lazlo and Edward, who went on to live happily ever after, as happy as you can get at least. Of course Lazlo still couldn't find a balance between his love life and friends much to Raj's dismay. (But that's okay cuz love gives him focus)

And then there is the story Slinkman's adventure with the possessed laundry machine, it was said, that once upon a time whilst he was cleaning around the vehicle of evile he discovered a mystical sigil made up of crusty old socks stuck to the back of the machine; and thus he attempted to scrape it but of as soone as the last sock fell the laundry machine cracked open like an egg and out came a demon, it was a horrible sight to behold. Why, it had the legs of a chicken, the arms of a goat, the body of a sirene and the head of a moose, which bore a striking resemblance to scoutmaster Lumpus, nobody knows exactly what happened to Slinkman after that but his pleas for a new machine were very definite.

THE END

(_Author's note: the misspellings in the last bit about Slinkman are on purpose. According to my mom dreaming your wearing a red dress means your going to get married. I don't know what significance tap-dancing melons have but I'm sure if you saw Sampson it your dream it'll be a bad omen_

_I never mentioned it in the story but I don't think the campers have spare uniforms either the image of them standing around in their underwear trying to avoid looking at each others half-naked bodies is forever engraved in my mind) _


End file.
